See-Saw

I haven't written in a while. The last year has been a fog. It has been a struggle on some days to go to sleep and to get up in the morning. Gradually, the hard days are getting farther apart. Gradually, I am gaining the ability to breathe again. But, the pain is still there. It isn't right on top anymore, but close to the surface. There are still thoughts of what my boy would be doing now. He would be fifteen months old. Maybe he would be starting to walk, or maybe he would just be pulling himself up. Maybe we would be pulling our hair out because he is teething. Who knows?

I do know that we would dress him up in a "Big Brother" t-shirt as we anticipate the new little life growing in me. That's right, we are having a baby in January.

There is joy in this proclamation! But, there is also so much fear. People congratulate us and tell us how excited they are for us -- that is nice to hear. But, there is an emptiness. They seem to miss that, while we are excited for this little life, there is still pain in the lost life. This baby is not a replacement. He or she is not a bandaid that fixes all the pain. This baby is his/her own person. 

I feel like I am sitting on a see-saw. I am excited about meeting this little one. I am afraid of what might happen. I am excited to feel a little kick. I miss my boy and how he kicked me. I am excited to pick out a name. I loved the name we gave our boy. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or girl. I miss my sweet boy. I can't wait to meet this baby. I am so scared of the labor process and the memories in the hospital. Up and down. Up and down we go. 

As I struggle to stay in the moment and not borrow fear or relive the pain of the past, I am grasping to trust. I want to desperately to trust that God does have a plan and He is in control. The gentle reminder He gave me this morning was found in familiar verses:

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not [l]arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

~Matthew 6:25-34