My "Thorn"

I don't usually like to share things that I consider private with lots of people. You kind of have to "earn" the privileged of knowing what is going on in my life. I didn't grow up with a houseful of sisters who shared everything, so maybe that is why I hesitate to share my life?

Whatever the reason, this isn't an easy story for me to share. It is going to come in pieces. But, this is something I feel you should know about me, if we are going to spend time together.
I want to share how God has showed me His grace. And I want to remind myself.

My life was pretty much the picture perfect Christian girl life. I had a family that loved and supported me. I was in a great college, getting a great education. My testimony was "boring", as we were taught to view it. I had no great ways to describe how God had displayed His grace to me. No great ways, other than the thousand everyday things that I failed to be grateful for, or to even notice.

"And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure." ~2 Corinthians 12:7

Then, in the summer of 2010, God shook my world and got my attention. He sent me what I would describe as my "thorn", literally in my flesh. It took a while, but sometime in the next year, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called ulcerative colitis (U.C.). For the non medical types, I'll spare you details (in this post anyway!) and just say that, basically, my immune system decided to start fighting my own body, especially in my colon.

" Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:8

This is a chronic disease. It is something that is treated, but not cured. At least, it is not cured without God's supernatural working, and to this point He has chosen to withhold that.

Anyone who struggles with a chronic disease knows that the daily struggle gets old. It wears at the body and soul. I hope that by sharing my story, others may gain grace and be drawn into His presence.

"And He said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

In the years since my illness began, I have begged God to remove it. As I sit in doctor's offices and hospitals, I scream for it to just be taken away and end. I have questioned "why" He would allow this. I have struggled as I watched my health decline and gave up things I used to do. I cry over how my life has changed. I hate it. I am weak.

But, I don't want to miss anything that He has for me. I don't want to miss seeing Who He is, and if He has to use this to make my vision clearer, then... I want to be able to share my story and boast in Who He is.

"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:10

So, I am going to humbly begin to share.  For His glory.

Oh, How He Loves Me!

We seek love. You seek love. I seek love. All of humanity is on a global search.

Movies are made about it. Songs are written about it. Books are penned.

I struggle. I daily struggle to see how I can be lovable. To see what my value might be. In the midst of my human mistakes and sin, I see that I am a wretch. I am unlovable.

I seek for the fairy tale where everything is turned right and the princess is told that she is loved and everything ends happily ever after. I long for that unconditional love that is described in the age old tales.

But, this is life.

In an effort to fill this void, our churches have begun to focus on the attribute of God as Love. Thankfully, He is Love (I John 4:8). I have grown up hearing about how great His love is for ME. All that He has done for ME.

But, what about when I can't grasp that? When His love feels cold and I can't see how He could love a wretch like me? When I continually feel rejection from those I love? When I sit on my couch at 2 am feeling utterly alone and unloved?

That's when GRACE steps in.

Recently, I heard a speaker point out that God's attribute that the angels celebrate is NOT His love.

When Isaiah went before the throne of God, the seraphim sang something entirely different. Something our culture teaches us to gloss over in our search for love. Something that is vital to that very search.

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts;

The whole earth is full of His glory!”

~Isaiah 6:3

He is holy. He is completely set apart. Completely perfect. No spot. No smudge.

And yet....

He chooses to love ME! He chooses to love YOU!

In the midst of my sinful messiness and His awesome holiness, He decided to show His love, and give His most prized possession - His only Son (Romans 5:8).

He brought a Moabitess into the family.

Until I realize just how vast the expanse is between God and my own humanness, I cannot grasp His deep love. I cannot understand how Jesus provided that bridge of salvation. I cannot understand how His grace did reach down and give me a fairy tale love.

No, not the fairy tale love - something better. Because His love cost Him so much, it means so much more.

He loves you. For real.

Shout it! Scream it!

Shout it
Go on and scream it from the mountains
Go on and tell it to the masses
That He is God

("All The Poor And Powerless" by All Sons and Daughters)

What if we actually did shout it and scream it from the mountains? 

What is "it"?

What if "it" is your story? 

What if your story is the conduit of grace that God uses in someone's life?

What if your story tells someone that He is God?

I have held it in. I have run. I have hidden the dark pits. I have sugar coated the bitter. I have put on a face. I didn't want them to see the hurt.

But, what if they need to see the hurt? Did God let me hurt for their profit, for your profit?

"But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but a new creation." ~ Galatians 6:14-15

I don't want to boast in anything other than God's grace. But, He has shown me His grace - is showing me His grace daily. And, I cannot be silent and allow this glimpse of His glory to become a crusty scar that is of no use to anyone. 

So, join me on a journey. As I struggle to show you how He has displayed His grace. Laugh with me. Cry with me. Come to the cross with me.