We Are Not Alone Anymore

Fear. Stress. Pain. Sorrow. Darkness. Frenzy. Sin. Death. Evil. Loneliness. Isolation. Illness. All the things that hound us daily...

"Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Emmanuel." ~ Isaiah 7:14

Power. Hope. Relief. Healing. Light. Peace. Righteousness. Life. Holy. Relationship. We are not alone anymore...

"'Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Emmanuel,' which is translated, 'God with us.'" ~ Matthew 1:23 

Emmanuel! God is with us! Now!

There Are No Words

What do you do? What do you say?

When pain and crisis hits someone, how do you bring comfort? 

Words seem shallow. 

"I'm sorry" does not seem like it is enough.

What else is there to say?

Pain has been a school for me. With the loss of our baby, I have had many people tell me, "I don't have the words..." This has been... a relief. There are no words. 

Sometimes, when people try to speak words, it is hard. It is hard to listen. It is hard for me to know how respond in the middle of my grief. My head swims for the proper response. I have no words.

That is okay. 

I do not have to have the words. You do not have to have the words. 

Just reach out to that hurting person you know and tell them there are no words, but you are there. Whenever they need you. You are there to hug, cry, pray, wash the dishes, bring a meal, mow the lawn... and just be a friend.

That's all. There are no words. And no words are needed sometimes.

See-Saw

I haven't written in a while. The last year has been a fog. It has been a struggle on some days to go to sleep and to get up in the morning. Gradually, the hard days are getting farther apart. Gradually, I am gaining the ability to breathe again. But, the pain is still there. It isn't right on top anymore, but close to the surface. There are still thoughts of what my boy would be doing now. He would be fifteen months old. Maybe he would be starting to walk, or maybe he would just be pulling himself up. Maybe we would be pulling our hair out because he is teething. Who knows?

I do know that we would dress him up in a "Big Brother" t-shirt as we anticipate the new little life growing in me. That's right, we are having a baby in January.

There is joy in this proclamation! But, there is also so much fear. People congratulate us and tell us how excited they are for us -- that is nice to hear. But, there is an emptiness. They seem to miss that, while we are excited for this little life, there is still pain in the lost life. This baby is not a replacement. He or she is not a bandaid that fixes all the pain. This baby is his/her own person. 

I feel like I am sitting on a see-saw. I am excited about meeting this little one. I am afraid of what might happen. I am excited to feel a little kick. I miss my boy and how he kicked me. I am excited to pick out a name. I loved the name we gave our boy. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or girl. I miss my sweet boy. I can't wait to meet this baby. I am so scared of the labor process and the memories in the hospital. Up and down. Up and down we go. 

As I struggle to stay in the moment and not borrow fear or relive the pain of the past, I am grasping to trust. I want to desperately to trust that God does have a plan and He is in control. The gentle reminder He gave me this morning was found in familiar verses:

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not [l]arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

~Matthew 6:25-34

(un)Happy Mother's Day

I never dreamed that I would be among the women who dread the approach of Mother's Day. Growing up, I heard about the women that did not come to church on Mother's Day, and those that would have something to say about the sermon (no matter how tactful and considerate the pastor tried to be). I told myself I would not ever do that.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mom. That is all. My mom is an amazing lady who stayed at home and raised the five of us kids. I wanted that life.

When singleness lingered, I ached to be married and have children. I told myself that this was God's timetable and He was preparing me for marriage. I prayed for my future husband and my future children. Finally, at 27, God answered my prayers and I married the man beyond my dreams.

Then came more waiting. Waiting for my husband to be ready for children. Waiting for us to be able to conceive. As I struggled through these seasons, I prayed for my future children and told myself it is in God's timetable. Finally, after over a year of trying, we were pregnant!

The joy we both felt was so overwhelming!

We journeyed through the 9 months of pregnancy, thanking God and praying for health and wisdom.

I labored to bring our son into this world, with my husband laboring right alongside of me.

This was all a dream come true.

Then, as they took my son from me to the warming table before I could see him or hold him, I felt my dreams start to shatter.

"He is fine." They assured me. "He just needs a little extra attention right now. We will take him to NICU and bring him back to you soon."

Tears sprang up in my eyes as they took my baby and I laid there unable to move or do anything to help.

They did bring him back to me. We spent a fitful night in the hospital. Trying to get our boy to sleep and eat.

Around 1 am the nurse began to notice things that were not quite right. After attempts to fix them proved unsuccessful, I again watched as, around 11 am, they took my son again from me to NICU.

"He is is the best place." They told me. "He will get the care he needs and come back to you."

This time, they did not bring him back to me.

After a week long fight in the NICU, we said goodbye to our boy. We prayed. We cried. We talked to him. We tried everything we could. The doctors tried everything they could. But, in the end, God said, "No" and took our son.

As we try to trust God through this, our arms ache to hold our son. The cradle next to our bed should not be empty. There should be sounds of baby gurgles and giggles echoing through the house. We should be exhausted from sleepless nights of crying baby.

But, that is not the way it is. We are exhausted from sleepless nights from nightmares and pain. The house is painfully quiet. The well prepared nursery is shut up and empty.

I do not understand. I am left confused and hurting.

This Mother's Day was not as we had planned. People tell me I am an amazing mother, but I do not feel like a mother at all. I do not understand how I can be. This Mother's Day was the first that I had ever considered not going to church.

But, I went. With my husband by my side, aching as much as I was.

It was hard.

It hurt.

But, it was sweet.

Sweet to fellowship with other believers. Sweet to worship in our pain. Sweet to be reminded that God is faithful and He hears.

I do not know where you are this year, this is just where I am. I know my perspective may change over the coming years. But one thing I know: God wants my worship, even in the pain. The Psalms talk about how hard things are happening, yet the writers constantly turn their gaze to God and praise Him. It is hard. But it is worth it.

This is what I want to do.

This is His timetable.

Comfort On Every Side

"Also Your righteousness, O God, is very high,

You who have done great things;

O God, who is like You?
You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,

Shall revive me again,

And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
You shall increase my greatness,

And comfort me on every side."

~Psalm 71:19-21 (NKJV)

In the midst of the greatest trial I have had to endure, I want to just scream at God and ask why He allowed it. Why did He let this pain creep into my life? He is powerful. He has done great things. He could have stopped it. 

Yet, He did not. He did not heal my child.

He has shown me a severe trouble.

My heart aches. My pain is deep. I cry. My arms ache to hold the baby that is gone forever from me.

But, He shall revive me again. He shall bring me up. He shall comfort me on every side.

He is doing this. I have to trust this is true.

Even in the pain, I can see His hand working. His body is moving, as believers surround us, love us, and weep with us.

It hurts, but there is comfort. Even in the tears. He will bring me up again from the depths of the earth. 

Personal :: Relational

Sometimes, I get caught up in thinking of God in the Sunday school way. He is some great God who performed miracles and, because He realized we needed some rescuing, sent Jesus.

Yeah, I pray. Yeah, I believe He hears and answers.

But there is a distance. He is up there. I am down here.

. . .

Do you ever feel that void?

Sometimes, I struggle to feel God's love and care because He isn't here physically.

Gary Chapman's famous Love Languages seem to miss something. God doesn't spend quality time playing games and chatting with me. He doesn't call me with words of affirmation when I feel down. He doesn't physically touch me and give me a hug when I feel the world breaking apart. He doesn't go wash my dishes for me in an act of service. He doesn't bring me a present "just because".

Or does He?

The four gospels often repeat the same stories from different perspectives, and sometimes the authors throw in a story that is not in the other books. Recently, I was struck with the realization that the authors wrote from a personal relationship with Jesus. They walked with Him. He did spend time teaching them. He encouraged them with actual, spoken words. He physically washed their feet. He provided them with food and calm the storms for them. He surprised Peter with money to pay their taxes.

So, when they wrote about His works, they remembered actual events. They wrote out of personal experience. They realized that Jesus did care about every little detail of their lives. They had a relationship with Him.

Three of the gospel writers chose to tell the story of Jesus healing Peter's mother-in-law (Matthew 8:14-15; Mark 1:29-31; Luke 4:38-39). As I read these accounts, I realized this was not some stranger to the disciples. This was someone they knew and cared about.

And, Jesus cared too.

All too often, I find myself seeing Jesus' works for the beggars in the street, or even for the hypocrites in the churches. But, aren't they for me? Aren't they for you?

He desires so much to be in relationship with us! He came and lived this human life - and we all know that is not easy! Because He wanted to be in relationship with you and me!

Wow.

Maybe, it is me who isn't putting the effort into the relationship...

When do I spend quality time with God? Just reading and listening to His words of affirmation? When am I conduit of those words to others? When do I become His hands and feet and reach out to His body of believers, or the lost? When do I go and do some simple service for another person, or allow them to do something for me? When do I open my eyes and see how He daily graces me with glimpses of His glory, "just because"?

When do you? He is waiting.

Sunday: Oh, Death, Where is Your Sting?

Death is something that is feared. It is unknown. No one we know has died and lived to tell about it. There is an element of mystery about it. It always claims, and never gives. We are left mourning the loss of a loved one.

The pain strikes deep.

The score ends with Death in the lead and humanity falling behind.

In life, we struggle to find significance before the inevitable Death comes and claims us too. It is a constant battle.

We live. We die. That seems to be the sum of it.

Why?

"The sting of death is sin..." ~ I Corinthians 15:56

Sin.

"For the wages of sin is death..."~Romans 3:23a

We get what is coming to us. There is only one way to get around it.

"According to the law almost all things are purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no remission." ~ Hebrews 9:22

Blood. Pretty hopeless...

Except...

Good Friday: "Christ died for our sins..." ~ I Corinthians 15:3
Saturday: "...and He was buried..." ~ I Corinthians 15:4a
Easter! "...and He rose again the third day..." ~ I Corinthians 15:4b

And now...

"...once at the end of the ages, He has appeared to put away sin by the sacrifice of Himself... Christ was offered once to bear the sins of many." ~ Hebrews 9:26-27

There is hope!

"...the gift of God is eternal life, in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~ Romans 3:23b

Life!

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." ~ John 3:16

And not just life; ETERNAL life! There is more than life on this earth!

"But now Christ is risen from the dead, and has become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since by man came death, by Man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive. If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men the most pitiable." ~ I Corinthians 15:19-22

Death, where is your sting?

"But thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." ~ I Corinthians 15: 57

All because of one Sunday two-thousand and fifteen years ago...

"...He is not here; for He is risen, as He said..." ~ Matthew 28:5

"...He is risen! He is not here..." ~ Mark 16:6

"...Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen!..." ~ Luke 24:5-6

The final score? Death and sin have lost. and Jesus has won the victory!