(un)Happy Mother's Day

I never dreamed that I would be among the women who dread the approach of Mother's Day. Growing up, I heard about the women that did not come to church on Mother's Day, and those that would have something to say about the sermon (no matter how tactful and considerate the pastor tried to be). I told myself I would not ever do that.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mom. That is all. My mom is an amazing lady who stayed at home and raised the five of us kids. I wanted that life.

When singleness lingered, I ached to be married and have children. I told myself that this was God's timetable and He was preparing me for marriage. I prayed for my future husband and my future children. Finally, at 27, God answered my prayers and I married the man beyond my dreams.

Then came more waiting. Waiting for my husband to be ready for children. Waiting for us to be able to conceive. As I struggled through these seasons, I prayed for my future children and told myself it is in God's timetable. Finally, after over a year of trying, we were pregnant!

The joy we both felt was so overwhelming!

We journeyed through the 9 months of pregnancy, thanking God and praying for health and wisdom.

I labored to bring our son into this world, with my husband laboring right alongside of me.

This was all a dream come true.

Then, as they took my son from me to the warming table before I could see him or hold him, I felt my dreams start to shatter.

"He is fine." They assured me. "He just needs a little extra attention right now. We will take him to NICU and bring him back to you soon."

Tears sprang up in my eyes as they took my baby and I laid there unable to move or do anything to help.

They did bring him back to me. We spent a fitful night in the hospital. Trying to get our boy to sleep and eat.

Around 1 am the nurse began to notice things that were not quite right. After attempts to fix them proved unsuccessful, I again watched as, around 11 am, they took my son again from me to NICU.

"He is is the best place." They told me. "He will get the care he needs and come back to you."

This time, they did not bring him back to me.

After a week long fight in the NICU, we said goodbye to our boy. We prayed. We cried. We talked to him. We tried everything we could. The doctors tried everything they could. But, in the end, God said, "No" and took our son.

As we try to trust God through this, our arms ache to hold our son. The cradle next to our bed should not be empty. There should be sounds of baby gurgles and giggles echoing through the house. We should be exhausted from sleepless nights of crying baby.

But, that is not the way it is. We are exhausted from sleepless nights from nightmares and pain. The house is painfully quiet. The well prepared nursery is shut up and empty.

I do not understand. I am left confused and hurting.

This Mother's Day was not as we had planned. People tell me I am an amazing mother, but I do not feel like a mother at all. I do not understand how I can be. This Mother's Day was the first that I had ever considered not going to church.

But, I went. With my husband by my side, aching as much as I was.

It was hard.

It hurt.

But, it was sweet.

Sweet to fellowship with other believers. Sweet to worship in our pain. Sweet to be reminded that God is faithful and He hears.

I do not know where you are this year, this is just where I am. I know my perspective may change over the coming years. But one thing I know: God wants my worship, even in the pain. The Psalms talk about how hard things are happening, yet the writers constantly turn their gaze to God and praise Him. It is hard. But it is worth it.

This is what I want to do.

This is His timetable.

Comfort On Every Side

"Also Your righteousness, O God, is very high,

You who have done great things;

O God, who is like You?
You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,

Shall revive me again,

And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
You shall increase my greatness,

And comfort me on every side."

~Psalm 71:19-21 (NKJV)

In the midst of the greatest trial I have had to endure, I want to just scream at God and ask why He allowed it. Why did He let this pain creep into my life? He is powerful. He has done great things. He could have stopped it. 

Yet, He did not. He did not heal my child.

He has shown me a severe trouble.

My heart aches. My pain is deep. I cry. My arms ache to hold the baby that is gone forever from me.

But, He shall revive me again. He shall bring me up. He shall comfort me on every side.

He is doing this. I have to trust this is true.

Even in the pain, I can see His hand working. His body is moving, as believers surround us, love us, and weep with us.

It hurts, but there is comfort. Even in the tears. He will bring me up again from the depths of the earth.